


Meaningless Sexual Intercourse

by showmethebeefy



Category: Agents of Cracked
Genre: Almost No Dialogue, Canon-Compliant, Character Development, Dan figures out the sex, F/M, M/M, Mandy/Dan is barely there, Most of the pairings are barely touched upon except O'Swaim, pardon me I just wanted to write about the various sex moments in Dan's life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-20
Updated: 2014-09-20
Packaged: 2018-02-18 04:20:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 894
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2335055
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/showmethebeefy/pseuds/showmethebeefy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan through the sexual ages</p>
            </blockquote>





	Meaningless Sexual Intercourse

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry I haven't posted anything in a while. School and all that jazz. I'm hoping this makes up for it. This story is similar to my last AoC story in that it's mostly narration. It's good and was fun to write, though. I hope y'all enjoy it as much as I did!

In high school, Dan doesn’t really know what sex is. Sure, he knows the basics. He’s seen it done, grainily, in porn. There’s a very vague idea there of how the human body works. Tab A into Slot B and all that jazz. He supposes it to be rather simple. Of course, he doesn’t know, not first hand. But he’d like to, with Kelly Wheeler.

When it happens ( _though he closes his eyes and thinks of Spider-man_ ) it’s not quite like he imagined. It’s rather dry. The pig costume is a little unwieldy, and the closet is a little cramped and uncomfortable, but he enjoys it, to a degree. As he thrusts into the hard, dry space, he can’t help but wonder, isn’t she supposed to be making noise? He makes enough noise for the both of them, though. It is a little weird, though, so he understands when Kelly doesn’t say anything to him about it ever again. It is a milestone in Dan’s life.

* * *

The next time he has sex, it’s just as weird. It’s not quite as penetrative as the last time, but it’s also a lot more visceral. His clone ( _that’s weird, right? He doesn’t really have a scale for that after a long time with Michael_ ) pushes him down and kisses him, and he shouldn’t be turned on by it, he really shouldn’t, but no matter how much he tells his dick to calm down, it’s only him and, well, him, it won’t shut down. The kissing is weird, too, because he’s kissed girls before, but he’s never kissed a guy, let alone himself. He never even kissed Kelly Wheeler.

So here he is, kissing Brian O’Donovan, who is him but not, and he’s taking his clothes off and ( _jesus does he really look like that?_ ) O’Donovan tells him to open his mouth. Dan obliges, and he’s pretty sure what’s going to happen next, but he’s never had a dick in his mouth before, and he doesn’t know what to do. Dan’s shirt is half off and he has his mouth around O’Donovan’s dick ( _his dick?_ ) and he has no idea what he’s doing when suddenly his gag reflex kicks in and he shoves O’Donovan away, buttoning up his shirt and puking over the side of the chair.

“This was a bad idea,” he says, glaring at his clone as he straightens his clothes. His clone nods in agreement, clearly just as nauseated as he is, or maybe that’s just Dan’s selective vision. They go to collect their partners, but Dan can’t stop thinking about how, for a moment before he realized how gross it was, he really liked it. Michael knows, too. He’s sure of it. Michael knows everything, and nothing, at the same time.

* * *

Sometimes he tries to have sex with Mandy. She just pretends he doesn’t exist. He doesn’t understand why she is even dating him if that’s how she feels.

* * *

 The third time he has sex is both disappointing and really only the second time he has sex. He had thought, hey, sex with Kelly Wheeler, but it had become sex with Michael with a minor side of Kelly Wheeler. Life is cruel and unfair, he decides as he puts his clothes back on afterward. Michael is grinning like an idiot, having gotten over the stealing of his ice cream.

Michael’s dick is weird, Dan thinks. He doesn’t know precisely why, but it just bothers him. The main thing that bothers him is that he can’t remember why it bothers him. The whole idea of it is just a blank spot in his mind. The thing he does remember, though, is the feeling of Michael’s dick against his ( _inside Kelly Wheeler but that doesn’t appeal to him quite as much as it used to_ ), and coming with the taste of Michael’s name on his lips. It felt good. Dan hopes Michael doesn’t know this, like he does everything else.

* * *

 Dan doesn’t have sex for a while after that. He thinks, maybe it’s Michael’s fault. Everything else is, why should this be any different?

* * *

 It isn’t sex, but it’s good enough. His head is light from the height of the hot-air balloon, but his heart is heavy. He’s leaving the place he grew to love. The place where he and Michael had a million shenanigans. At least Michael is coming with them. They can have a million and one more.

And when Michael kisses him, he’s surprised, for sure, and the slap is a bit of an impulse move. Then he realizes. He likes Michael a whole lot. ( _What took you so long?_ ) So he grabs him and kisses him square on the lips and it’s messy and passionate and a little bit angry, to be honest, but it’s the most true thing he’s done in a long time. And when he pulls away, bleeding from his face just as profusely as Michael is, he smiles beatifically. He feels whole.

* * *

 One day, years later, as Michael absentmindedly jerks him off, Dan turns to him suddenly and kisses him. Michael looks at him in surprise.

“I’m just glad I met you,” Dan says, a smile on his face. Michael wrinkles his brow.

“I know you?” he replies, his hand not moving. Dan squeaks a little, and kisses him again.

His heart is full to the bursting point.


End file.
